Thursday, 31 August 2017

Fuck Anxiety



Anxiety then and now

Sitting on the floor down a school corridor not understanding what it was about that lesson that pushed me out the door crying, shaking, hyperventilating. Feeling physically sick until I got out of bed for the third time to go and check that the taps were turned off. Cancelling plans with friends again because I didn't want to leave the house. Going to pick up the phone my heart beating too quickly my hands feeling so weak like I couldn't even pick it up let alone talk. Being too scared to walk first into a room filled with people. Having difficult conversations shaking, feeling like I couldn't breathe, just wishing I never said anything at all. Overthinking absolutely everything

Trying to explain how you're feeling to be greeted with such a lack of understanding and a stiff upper lip. Taking yourself to a doctor who can tell you about cave man times and explain you are flighting not fighting but just being sent off with a "come back if the anxiety gets worse". Having a name for it didn't make it any easier.

Finding someone on the internet who has anxiety too but knowing that I'm not the only one doesn't stop the embarrassment or doesn't stop being labelled an attention seeker. Left sitting in a medical room at school being reminded to breathe when in my head I'm absolutely fine.  

Relief comes when you find those people who know you don't want a sip of water or a bag in your face but who are just there by your side.

 Maybe it's a bit of my mother in me but I had enough, not sad but angry.

Not feeling sorry anymore but feeling pathetic.

I can't put my finger on when it changed for me but any time I felt that little part of me feeling anxious I intentionally made myself do whatever it was that I didn't want to do. Faking it till I made it became my goal.

Walking with confidence, being the first to the phone at work, getting up and doing every presentation I could, saying everything I wanted to say, walking into every restaurant first.

I can't convince myself all the time and don't get me wrong I have lots of wobbles but it feels alright to let it out now, I can have panic attacks but know that at the end it will be ok.

 I have a boyfriend who understands me and knows not to go even when I push him away. Friends who read me better then I do. I'm now in my second year of university renting my first house, still faking it but definitely making it. I have learnt that my anxiety is a part of me and I wouldn't be without it because it makes me work harder everyday.


"Anxiety I will transform you into something useful and productive, I will not bow down to you" Jaeda Dewalt

6 comments:

  1. I love you so much! I will help you every single day, I will always be by your side no matter what! You are amazing ❤️😘😘😘😘

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    1. That means so much Jack, thank you <3 Love you lots x

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  2. I never had anxiety until I had my son and went back to work. I would be on the metro coming home feeling like I couldn't breath with tears in my eyes. I appreciate this post, and wish you all the best with University. I'm happy to read you have a support system. http://www.mrsqbeauty.com

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    1. Thank you for sharing with me <3 that must have been awful for you. Thank you so much I really appreciate that!

      Chlo xx

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  3. I have never had it, but good luck with everything you do and be strong :)

    Laura
    https://okumoku.blogspot.be/

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    1. Thank you so much that means loads! <3

      Chlo xx

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